For the version of us that almost was

You know, the last time I saw you,
I never thought I'd have to say no goodbye like that.
Not in silence. Not with nothing.
No closure. No moment to finally admit what I felt.
No chance to fix what I broke before it ever became anything real.
Just... your silence.

You're not here anymore.
And the worst part?
Maybe you never truly were.
But I kept holding on — to the way your eyes lit up when you laughed,
To that one text that made me believe maybe... maybe you felt it too.
To the quiet way you made everything feel possible — until I ruined it.

I waited. God, I waited.
Like a fool hoping for a second chance that never came.
Checking my phone like it still meant something.
Smiling at your old photos that I had collected all along.
I replayed every little moment we shared like a song on loop —
Even though you stopped listening.

I stayed.
Stuck in the pause between what we were and what we could've been.
And you kept moving.
Living.
Laughing.
Unburdened.

And I?
I kept breaking.
I wanted you to turn around.
To see me standing there with everything I never got to say.
To hear me whisper, "I'm sorry."
But you didn't.
And maybe you shouldn't have to.

Because I should've said it then.
When it mattered.
When there was still something fragile and beautiful between us —
Before you let silence speak for you.

I don't hate you. God, I couldn't if I tried.
I just hate the version of me that let you slip away.
I blocked you from literally every platform that I could possibly think of.

Built walls where I should've built bridges.
And yet, loved you so quietly, you probably never even realised or cared either.

And the truth is... I still love you.
I still love you in places I wish I didn't.
In songs.
In movies.
In books.
In smells.
In our silence.

But that's exactly why I had to let you go.

Soon after Illumine and my graduation ceremony,
I went on a solo motorcycle trip to the deadly terrains of North Sikkim.
Man it was beautiful!
I came back, alive — a different man,
And it was the last time, I imagined what we could've been.
The last time I chased ghosts in your smile,
Hoping for a flicker of something that never caught fire.

Because loving someone who never truly chose you back
Isn't love.
It's a path to self destruction.

So go. Stay gone.
And if someday,
You look back and wonder
Why I stopped trying...
Just remember:
I loved you quietly, completely, and far too long.
And when I finally stopped,
It wasn't because I stopped caring —
It was because I finally started caring about myself.
I just couldn't keep reaching for someone who never reached back.

LOML, Rimjhim

Manas
Aug 7, 2025